Now That I Have Seen

I had heard the stories, but ultimately did not know what to expect.  I'm good at holding back tears when circumstances call for it & I knew this would be such a circumstance; I needed to be strong for Grace.

After what seemed like an eternity in the car we finally pulled up to an average building made of stone.  I realized that the stone building was the orphanage when I saw children being pushed around in strollers outside.  With purpose, I walked to one such little girl with curly brown hair and doe eyes that looked up at me with wonderment.  Her lips curled up into a smile in such a way that made my heart turn to mush.  It was then that I started to cry.  Shortly after, I made my way to a little boy who was being pushed in a stroller.  When I touched his arm and said "Jesus loves you"  he looked up at me with eyes that pleaded for love.  In the short amount of time I was in the presence of these children I did my best to shower them with affection and tell them that they are loved by Jesus.  As we made our way to the entrance we passed a skeletal child that was being pushed in a swing; an image that is burned in my mind.

Upon entering the orphanage we were asked to wait while Samantha and her baba exchanged good-byes.  This was unexpected; I had envisioned a nurse waiting with her at the front door with bags packed.  Anytime an elevator door opened or there was subtle movement we jumped expecting to see her.  We grew silently impatient as we waited in a room with walls covered in cheerful paintings and portraits of cherub-faced children in the arms of loving families.

Grace as she anxiously, but patiently, waited.

You cannot judge a book by its cover nor an orphanage by the cheerful paintings on its walls.

Finally someone dressed all in white met and escorted us to the 6th floor.  My heart pounded when I realized where we were going.  I had not prepared myself for what was on the "diseased floor".  When the elevator door opened onto the dingy walls of the 6th floor my eyes were immediately drawn to a little girl who captured my heart 8 months ago.  Gracie wrote this blog post that left me in a puddle of tears, while other bloggers shared her story and pleaded for prayers on her behalf as well.  I can remember desperately approaching Steven through hiccuping sobs asking if we could adopt her and jumping for joy just 2 days later after receiving the news that a family had committed to her.  Seeing her was overwhelming and touching her was celestial; it was a full circle moment for me that I will never ever forget.  I was honored to be able to touch her and look into her beautiful blue eyes and say "mommy is coming" and "Jesus loves you"!

While doting on little "K" I briefly looked up, and to my surprise, Samantha was at the end of the hall! She was in a stroller being pushed by her baba.  I actually saw her before Grace did and when I informed her that her baby was down the hall her face lit up like a Christmas tree (sorry, I've been staring at my screen forever trying to come up with an analogy, but how does one put a moment like that to words?) and took off running towards her girl.

A shell shocked Sam.

 The moments after we claimed Samantha are a blur.  The staff scrambled to gather her things, one of which was a book Grace made for her with pictures from their first visit.  She put it together and sent it with another adoptive mom to give to Samantha.  The pictures she included, as well as her recorded voice, were created to help maintain a connection while they were apart.  However, it was apparent that Sam's baba was having a hard time saying good-bye so Grace left the book with her; a gesture that clearly delighted her. 

At some point after Samantha was placed in Grace's arms I returned to my precious little friend down the hall.  On my way to her I saw a pair of sad eyes staring out between the bars of a crib; a crib that was tucked away into a room that I did not feel would be appropriate to enter.  As I talked to "K", Grace & Samantha, Sam's baba, and a nurse walked toward me.  As it turned out, I was just outside Samantha's room; the room in which she was held prisoner and tortured for 7 years.  With smiles on their faces, the nurse and baba presented the room with a Vana White gesture.  They seemed delighted to show us her room and the bear (that Grammy bought her) hanging on a hook above her crib.  Grace's mommy instincts told her they were lying.  Their smiles looked forced and the room didn't match the pictures Grace had seen.  In the room they were claiming to be Samantha's was a window looking into the room next door.  Pressed up against the glass was a little girl who smiled so big when her eyes met mine.  I put my hand on the glass and she aligned  her fingers with mine.

After Gracie changed Samantha's clothes we gradually made our way to the foyer where we were detained while nurses instructed Grace, through the help of a translator, of Samantha's nap times and bed time as well as her "feeding" schedule.  I have feeding schedule in quotations because Grace was told to give Samantha small sips of water on a spoon because she could not swallow.  During this time a man walked by carelessly carrying a child that looked like a corpse.  The child's body was stiff, like that of a dead body in which rigor mortis had set in and his/her head hung back, limp.  I looked at the man and asked, "who is this"? to which he replied in broken English "I am psychologist".  I never learned the name of the human being that he was carrying, but the image of that beautiful soul is etched on my heart forever.

It took us much longer to leave the orphanage than we had anticipated.  We were inundated with "helpful" advice from the staff who tried to convince us that they care (even though the proof that they didn't was right in front of us in the form of a 20 lb 7-year-old).  We also had not anticipated Samantha's baba having such a hard time letting go.  She repeatedly reached for an eager Samantha who was confused and her baba was familiar in the midst of her chaos.  It was clear that Samantha was becoming stressed and Grace made it clear that it was time to go.  And that we did.

Good-bye Pleven . . .

 . . . never to return again.

****

Samantha has been home for nearly 4 weeks and the transformation is nothing short of a miracle.  The ticks that were caused by years of neglect are melting away with the help of lots of love and affection.  She has gained 4 pounds thanks to a new found love of food, and all varieties of it. However, Samantha isn't the only one who has undergone a transformation.  Grace has fallen into her role of mom beautifully and is an example of strength and love (the longer I'm up the weaker my descriptive words become).  I have also been transformed by what I saw in Pleven and because of Samantha. When I am tempted to dwell on what happened to her in the past, her tenacity propels me forward.  While she may be haunted from time to time by a past memory, she does not let that prevent her from living with vigor.  She has courageously navigated this new life and is a stunning example of endurance and God's love. 

Uncle Steve and Sam.  I think there is a special bond developing.

Cousins

I have been staring at my screen for a long time trying to find the perfect words to describe what Samantha means to me.  The perfect words to adequately express how proud I am of my sister.  Some way to beautifully illustrate the fact that I will never be the same and I don't want to be.  Now that I have seen orphans, now that I have seen the effects of an institution on my niece, now that I have seen I am responsible.  I will never be the same.